youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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