i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
