Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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