Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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