you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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