ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
