Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
