Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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