I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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