Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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