so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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