remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
