I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
