Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
