My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
