I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
