I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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