nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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