You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
