Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
