If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
