mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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