I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
