so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
