I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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