Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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