I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
