my room smells like sperm. sweet.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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