So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
