It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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