Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
