Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
