glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
