the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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