Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
