my mouth tastes like poor choices
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
