I cannot find my penis.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
