not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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