I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
