my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
