i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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