Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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