Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
