Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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