I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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