I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
