Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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