On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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