Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
