So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
