I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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