he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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