When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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