Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
