I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
