I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
