I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
