yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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