First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
